Howdy Ya'll

I found my camera. No picture of the new garden,
but you do get the cowboy hats.

I apologize to those who found my blog yesterday with "restricted access".

The truth is, I came VERY close to just deleting the whole thing, a sort of "What's The Point of It All?" moment.

I mean, I like writing this blog. Actually I am very attached to it, and some days even sort of proud of it. But other days, I get very self conscious about it. I am quite embedded into the internet world. I am an active member of two message boards, communicate almost entirely with a large group of people through myspace, have two instant messenger programs downloaded onto my computer and maintain 3 blogs, not including the myspace blog. Something feels just sort of wrong about that. Like, Um- wait- what about LIFE?

Add that to this new ordeal. I have been going through some weird emotional shit.

Some of it is situational. Some personal family stuff, constant worry about my dad, and some health issues that are hitting way too close to home. Add to that the onslaught of toddler-dom and and a general state of disequilibrium in the stay-at-home-mom dynamic and you get anxiety mixed in with a little bit of depression to keep things interesting.

I honestly think I am going through some really weird ass hormonal shifts that are related to giving up nursing, or at least nursing much less. We still nurse some, but all in all no more than 10 minutes a day. I don't think I am producing that much milk anymore.

It just weirds me out to even type all of this into this little box.

Why would I want to announce to the entire world that, yes,
I am having anxiety attacks and depression?

I am not quite sure. Once upon a time it was pretty taboo to admit to yourself and especially to anyone else that you suffered from depression. Now it seems, well, pretty normal.

But then again, I don't think it is that normal to go blabbing about it on blogspot.

But then again, maybe it is.

On a lark I typed www.depressedmoms.com into my navigation bar and sure enough, up popped Depressed Moms.Com.

A Technorati Blog Search for the Key Word "Depression" brings up 545,000 hits.

So maybe depression really is the "in" thing to blog about.

Still, I feel like this blog will come back to haunt me someday.
Can you imagine the repercussions if I ever wanted to run for Senate?

I am definitely no stranger to depression and anxiety issues, having dealt with them -0oh I don't know- MY WHOLE LIFE, but I am looking at in a new way this time. This is different.

First of all, in the last two weeks I have had two full blown anxiety attacks.

That is new.

The stomach wrenching, hand wringing sort of anxiety is old hat to me. Anyone who has read this blog for a week straight could describe me as a hand wringer. But anxiety attacks? I don't think I knew what they were until a few weeks ago, aside from one incident I remember a few years ago that had to do with driving my mother in law through Atlanta traffic all the way back to Illinois to LIVE WITH US FOREVER. I chalked that one up to, "who wouldn't be having an anxiety attack?"

But I digress, I am all over the place here. In the words of Paul Simon on nervous breakdowns,

"Breakdowns come and breakdowns go, What are you gonna do about it, I'd like to know?"

I don't know.

I am pretty sure it will have something to do with relaxing a little bit about toddler TV time. Trying to make more time for writing, but mostly just hoping that my kids make enough money in their chosen professions to cover the cost of the therapy they are going to need. I am not very nice when I am hormonally challenged.

I will also try and just hang out in my back yard with this little mama bird, who lives just right outside my sun room window. I say good morning to her and her three babies every morning. Bird babies really do leave the nest so fast. Oh, and vitamins are good.


And the other thing is to not go deleting my blogs and myspace accounts in a fit of unnecessary rage. Besides that fact that it is kind of embarrassing, the need for my internet life was made even more evident to me today as I was "accosted" by a local friend for my "not good" bumper sticker. I think she thought she was educating me about what the rainbow part meant. Because surely, if I knew, it wouldn't be on my van.

My response: Nope, Thats why I have it- this way when you see me coming you can think, "Here comes Shannon in her big gay van."

No wonder I dread leaving home.