For someone who spent a fair amount of time in my past following the dead around, living in the same pair of really baggy and nasty, nasty dirty blue jeans, I have become awfully preoccupied with my appearance. Maybe I always was, but I seem to remember not being so vain at one time in my life.Once, while we were binging on vodka, this guy tried to pick me up by saying, "I wish I could be dirty like you." He wasn't talking about my sexually adventurous side either.
At that time I barely looked in the mirror. Now, I spend a lot of time looking in the mirror trying to decide if I should do something about my new lady mustache that my husband swears no one else notices. I know there is a good balance to be found there, but I haven't found it yet.
Is it age? What is it? It is like I am in high school again, or worse...junior high school. In high school I was actually fairly level headed about these sort of things and I certainly never considered spending hundreds of dollars on a dress I will wear maybe once or twice. Not even for a school dance. I was much more practical then.
And I love shoes now, oh how I love shoes. Especially utterly impractical ones that I never EVER have the opportunity to wear. Sigh. I buy the shoes, then I buy the dress, and then I decide where to go that the shoes and dress work just right for.
And why do all of the really cute sunglasses have to be made in China? Same thing with bags.
I want to look good, but my vanity tends to contradict my feelings about other matters on an ongoing basis. My sense of fiscal responsibility is obviously challenged in this area (who can really afford to look good all the time?), but I consider the social costs a greater burden.
Sure a person can buy socially responsible clothing and the like, but simply BUYING at all is really what kills us, isn't it? And buying second hand- maybe in New York or other urban meccas you get a better selection but here, ha! I won't even bore you with my examples of what you CAN buy at our local goodwill store.
The other personal issue I have with vanity is my struggles with my weight. I don't look like this, but I wish I did:
Right now, I am dealing with this recurring issue of body acceptance head on. I am smack dab in the middle of it. Here I am, working out again, and doing pretty well. I started out going in the right direction- fitness oriented, working out about 5 days a week, going slow, and setting small attainable goals. I want to care about my body, I wanted to be spiritually fit, I want to live a long, full, and healthy life. But I am slipping already.Working out is completely necessary to attain these goals, this I know- but whenever I get into it, I start to get skinny-greedy. I make the prize being stick thin. I start drooling over great looking dresses and conjuring up the perfect place to wear them. (hello Las Vegas)
The problem is this: Whenever I start working out, I build up these lofty expectations and start setting unrealistic long term goals, start coveting super hot stuff, and then BAM! Reality sets in and it is all over. I cast aside the running shoes and bring on the cheesecake, and the donuts and the nachos and the milk shakes. Jeez, I love a good milk shake. Then I whine like a little baby about being fat and annoy my husband.
I really want to create a healthy connection in my brain between having a healthy lifestyle and an ongoing exercise routine, while creating a disconnection between setting unrealistic expectations about being thin and being happy. I am tired of being so preoccupied with weight all of the time, and I want so badly to be healthy. Just healthy- plain and simple.
To be cliche, I want to be healthy and I want to love my body for what it is. It really is a process, isn't it?
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